Saying 'I love you, without saying ‘I love you’

Most people want the rom com. 

The happy ever after. 

The #couplegoals or #friendshipgoals hashtags that we see on Instagram. 

In a world of highlight reels we can sometimes get sucked into unrealistic hopes of living a happy ever after; high on the concept of love. Our realities can hit home a little harder than we’d like to admit when the happy ever after or rom com life we envisioned isn’t working out as planned! 

To add salt to the wound, February can feel a little punchy if you’re a hopeless romantic navigating the ‘love month’ as a single pringle, going through a separation, in a relationship that’s not working or just falling out of love with the idea of love after a few let downs along the way.

Has seeing all the valentine ads, declarations of love, romantic stories of heartwarming proposals sent shivers (not the good kind) down your spine making you want to hibernate until this short month is over? 

We’ve all been there my friends. 

Here's a perspective to consider.. what if I said to you the words “I love you” often hold more weight than we need them to hold and in reality, we don’t need to hear it or say it to feel loved. 

There are so many ways to show or feel love. Maybe the ‘I love you’ or ‘ILY’ if you’re on the text train, isn’t all it’s cracked up to be? 

Many of us have grown up believing that hitting a certain milestone in a relationship involves saying ‘ILY’. It's like those 3 magic words make us feel safe enough to open up.

But what if you (or they) could say I love you without having to say I love you? 

“I love you” isn’t always a statement, and it took me a while for me to even understand that. 

Let me explain... 

I love you isn’t always a statement 

I’ve always been pretty good when it comes to remembering important dates, from birthdays to friends’ anniversaries, BUT there are just some things in life that I haven’t put at the top of my agenda to remember…like the date of my car MOT or insurance renewal. Anyone else forget these? Every. Year? 

I love my SMART car, she’s a deceptively roomy (and speedy) tiny car and makes parking in London (IYKYK) so much easier. And every single year without fail, my best friend reminds me that my insurance or MOT is due. 

Instant love vibes and good feelings. Not an ILY in sight. 

Not only that, but we all have those incredible friends, protective mums and dad or partners that ask you as you’re leaving to go somewhere without them; 

“Let me know when you get there safe.” 

Or 

”Drive carefully and text me when you arrive.” 

I do the same. Not because I have to, but because I love them and I care that they are okay. Neither the MOT reminder or the ‘drive safe’ statement used the words “I Love You” — but that's exactly what I'm saying, without saying it.

The practical life reminders and words of care when traveling are ways of saying I love you without actually saying it. 

Because we saying "I love you" to express love is just one way of doing that, and many of us will express love and adoration in a variety of ways. 

Love Languages 

I call BS on only having one way to show and feel loved, and I’m not the only one, as Gary Chapman back in 1992 also called BS and highlighted 5 general ways that romantic partners (and also friends) can express and experience love, in a book called “How to Express Heartfelt Commitment to Your Mate”. 

To explain it in the most simplest form, ol’ Gazza was working as a counsellor at the time and found that the couples coming to him were not feeling loved despite their other halves believing they were doing all the right things. Sound familiar? 

From there, he dove head first and found patterns that arose highlighting the 5 Love Languages, which since then have been backed further by scientific studies and theories. 

There is a quiz you can take which I’ll share in a mo… but before that, here is a breakdown of each one. 

Words of affirmation 

If your love language leans towards words of affirmation, this means you have a preferences for love being expressed through compliments, spoken words, praise or appreciation. Whether that be kind words of encouragement, told you’re beautiful on the reg or even having love notes left for you. 

What you don’t like is a lack of spoken affirmations, unkind words and criticism — and you’re more likely to lap up the “I love you’s” & dish them out more regularly. 

Quality time 

Quality time means you are a sucker for having someones undivided attention, spending great time with the people you love, feeling listened to and present in the company of the one(s) you appreciate the most. 

When the people you prioritise aren’t putting time aside to spend with you, you can often feel hurt or unloved. 

Physical touch

No, physical touch is not a sexual act (okay sometimes), but it can be shown and appreciated in the form of holding hands, hugs and general touching. It often highlights that you are looking to feel connected to the other person physically. 

Acts of service 

If your primary love language is acts of service, you prefer love to be expressed towards you by your partner, friends or family helping you out. This can look like someone doing something for you without asking such as making you dinner, running an errand, bringing you a coffee when you’re working hard. 

What you do not like is laziness, broken commitments or more work being ‘created’ for you due to the other persons lack of assertiveness. 

If someone’s primary love language is acts of service, they may want love expressed to them through their partner helping them out. 

Receiving gifts 

Last but not least is receiving gifts. A pretty simple one in terms of understanding how you like to feel loved, but you’re more inclined to feel appreciated through the act of receiving gifts. No, it doesn’t have to be designer handbags or large gifts, it can be anything that shows the other person was thinking about you when they bought it. 

If you don’t know what yours is, you can take this quick quiz 

(https://5lovelanguages.com/quizzes/love-language) to find out how you truly want to be shown love. 

So why are Love Languages important?

Well, first off, these love languages highlight just how little the term ‘I Love You’ is actually needed if love is shown in the way we need to receive it to FEEL loved. It also reminds us that there are multiple ways to show love. 

You can show either a platonic or romantic relationship love by: 

Cooking them a surprise dinner 

Buying their favourite food or drink 

Bringing them flowers 

Sending them a message telling them you’re proud of them 

Letting them know you were thinking of them 

Listening. Just listening

Making time to see them - just because 

Giving them an extra long hug

Complimenting them - authentically 

Being present - putting the phone down and giving them your attention Remembering an important event or thing they are doing 

When it comes to love, you have to make sure you’re filling your cup first. That also means taking breaks from social media, buying yourself a treat, taking yourself for a massage and being your own hype woman. 

You do not need to have a romantic relationship to be or feel loved. Who do you love?

When you think of the people (or pets) that spring to mind, do you enter the equation? 

When we think of love it’s often not in relation to ourselves but the love we have for others and how we show or tell them we love them. 

Show up for yourself in the same way you do in your your friendships (or pets). 

And February is just another month, that gets commercialised in to making us think we need to be doing things a certain way. 

Now, go love the sh*t out of yourself.