Ask for What You Want Without Being a D*ck!

We've all been there. You want something, but you don't want to come off as a d*ck, so you don’t bother asking because you don’t know how to.

That results in you suppressing all your emotions until you self-combust and behave like the d*ck you never wanted to be.

Anybody else? Please say, it’s not just me!

Asking for what you really want is a skill in itself.

As a child, we would have started by snatching things from other children when we didn’t want to share and then told to be ‘kind’ or to ‘use our words’ as a way of learning to ask for what we wanted.

Sadly as a grown up, snatching is not tolerated and we actually do have to use our words and find the ‘right’ way of asking for what we want.

Maybe it's asking for a promotion, a salary increase, your partner to do the dishes more often, sharing what you really want in the bedroom, or maybe asking your friends to give you some space. Whatever it is, there are ways to ask for what you want without needing to be a d*ck about it.

So, let's get those communication skills ready to become the boss of your own voice and ask for what you want without questioning yourself or becoming the d*ck you don’t want to be.

How to ask for what you want without being a d*ck

To make things a little more light-hearted, I’m going to use a couple of examples throughout the following 6 steps. Hopefully, it will help you relate and get in the ‘asking for what you want zone’.

You can insert the thing that’s relevant to you as we go…

Let’s set the scene.

Someone [insert who] keeps doing something you think you’ve asked them not to do [insert thing here] and it’s winding you the ‘eff’ up!

It could be you’ve asked your partner not to leave dishes on the side and to put them in the dishwasher, yet every night, there they are, sat on the side goading you or maybe you’ve told a work colleague that you can’t do meetings between 3-5pm because you’re picking the kids up from school and doing the dinner routine and still they schedule meetings at that time.

You’re getting fed up, because nothing has changed, and they keep doing the ‘thing’ you’ve asked them not to do.

Let’s dive in.

1. Be clear and specific

When asking for something, you have to be clear and specific about what you want. Don't beat around the bush or use vague language that can be interpreted in different ways.

Telling someone that, ‘it would be great if…’ or ‘it would be helpful if they didn’t…’ is not direct enough to reap the outcome you’re looking for!

Instead, you directly ask for what you want:

"Can you put the dishes in the dishwasher when we finish dinner rather than leaving them on the side?"

“I’m not free for meetings between 3-5pm so if something gets scheduled, I’ll need to decline it as I am already committed to other things.”

2. Use "I" statements

Using "I" statements is a great way to communicate your needs without making it sound like you're attacking the other person. Rather than telling them what they have done wrong, ‘You never put the dishes in the dishwasher.’, tell them how you feel or what you want.

So, tell them how you feel as a result of their current actions and what you need to make that different:

"It really stresses me out when I come into the kitchen before bedtime and the dishes are still on the side from dinner. I feel like I can’t relax going to bed with a dirty kitchen because I don’t want to come down to that as part of starting my day. It feels like I am always the one who puts the dishes in the dishwasher so that doesn’t happen. Can you help so the kitchen is clean for the morning?"

or

“When I see a meeting request come in for between 3-5pm it makes me feel anxious because I know I won’t be able to accommodate it and I then feel like I’m letting you down and you’ll think badly of me. I really appreciate it when schedule meetings at suitable times so I can attend them. Thanks for doing that and for understanding when I can’t make a meeting due to unmovable commitments”.

3. Be polite

This one may seem obvious, but it's worth mentioning! We can sometimes use a tone that is aggressive or rude because we feel irritated and don’t realise that’s how we are coming across. Being polite goes a long way in getting what you want. What we say is as important as HOW we say it.

4. Avoid ultimatums

Ultimatums are rarely effective and can come off as manipulative, especially when you don’t see the ultimatum through.

Have you ever told a kid they aren’t going to a birthday party if they don’t behave, and despite them behaving like Satan all morning, you still let them go… guilty as charged!

Instead of using ultimatums, use words of affirmation and positive reinforcement of the behaviour you want.

"I love it when I come into the kitchen before bed and it’s all clean and tidy, it means I can go to bed relaxed and makes me feel like you care. I really appreciate you doing that.”

“Thanks so much for scheduling meetings around the times I am available. It really takes a load off knowing I have your support with this.”

5. Consider the other person's perspective

Before asking for something, take a moment to consider the other person's perspective. Is there a reason why they might not want to do what you're asking? If so, try to address those concerns in your request. Is there a reason what you’re asking for doesn’t get accommodated?

Maybe the dishes don’t get put n the dishwasher because after dinner they sit in the lounge and forget about them because they don’t go back into the kitchen before bed or they remember just before bed and are so tired, they mentally make a note to do them in the morning, not thinking it will be a problem for you.

Or maybe your work colleague schedules meetings as those times because that was the only availability a customer had, or they are not at their best in the windows you have available and want to show up to meetings able to give their best.

There is always a different perspective to consider.

6. Be willing to compromise

Compromise is key in any relationship, whether it's with a partner, a friend, or a co-worker. If the other person is hesitant to do what you're asking, try to find a compromise that works for both of you. Successful relationships are built on many thigs, one of them being the ability to compromise. And remember there is a different between compromising rather than sacrificing if you feel like you are always having to forgo your needs for the other person, that’s not sustainable, but if there is some give and take, you are more inclined to accommodate in return. This works both ways.

There is always a way to get what you need with more reasonable people.

If they aren’t willing to meet you halfway and have a conversation about how to make things work, it’s likely they are the d*ck, not you!

Asking for what you want can be difficult and by following the 6 steps above you’ll find being direct and clear about what you want lands you in a place that gets you what you need.

By being clear, specific, polite, and willing to compromise, you can get what you want or need.

Communicating your needs in life is part of the equation to living a successful and happy life.

• Be clear and direct. Don't beat around the bush or use wishy-washy language. State exactly what you want and why.
• Avoid being passive-aggressive. Don't hint at what you want or make snarky comments. This will only create tension and confusion.
• Build strong relationships. The power of connection cannot be underestimated. By building strong relationships with the people around you, you'll be more likely to get what you want.

With clear communication and a respectful attitude, you can get what you want without being a d*ck!

If you’re dealing with d*ck or worried you’re the one being the d*ck, get in touch and let’s find a way of upgrading your communication skills so not only do you become a master of handling people who are being difficult, but you also learn how to manage yourself in the process!